Good Binge, Bad Binge

Hey, there! A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how I was feeling low in the midst of a lot going on. Some of it was personal, and some of it was a sign of the times. I must have hit a nerve because I heard back from a lot of you. Thank you so much for reaching out. Some of you recommended getting together. If anybody is in the Boston area, I'm good for a meet-up. I'd also be more than happy to set up a Zoom. Keep sending me your suggestions, please.

This time has caused a lot of introspection and self-examination. Sometimes things come up for me in meditation. That's what happened the other day. A lot of people think that meditating is about letting your mind go blank. When I'm teaching mindfulness classes, my students often say that they can't quiet their mind or "turn it off," and in the beginning, they're right. With time and practice, the mind will calm down and become less noisy and busy, but it never turns off all together. There are moments when the clamor settle down and it's like floating under water. Sometimes during those lulls, an interesting thought pops up. I had an awareness during one of my morning quiet times. 

Some of my behaviors have changed over the last several months. While I was pretending everything was "fine," I was losing sight of areas that were becoming more and more unhealthy. It finally came to me -- I was bingeing. The definition of a binge is: a period of excessive indulgence in an activity.  The definition continues: ...especially eating, drinking, or taking drugs. Bingo! I've definitely been trying to cope by overeating, and I've been more interested than usual in going "out for a drink". Drugs have never been my thing -- my "drug" turned out to be a tv. Being on the road as a travel nurse for almost ten years, I haven't had a television, and I haven't really missed it. I've had a few shows I could stream on my computer, but only watched once in a while. When I got my first apartment in over 10 years last year, it didn't even cross my mind to buy a tv ... until about six months ago. Little by little, I built up to watching several hours of mindless television at a time. 

The interesting thing about bingeing is how it affects your mind. An ongoing theme that I've written about many times is, "Where our attention goes, our energy flows.". As I started eating as a means of comfort, I became increasingly more interested in food and grocery shopping. The more I ate, the more my thoughts focused on food. The same thing happened with my television watching, only it was worse. I got hooked on mindless crime shows with an occasional comedy thrown in. The other way around would have been better, lol. I knew I was in trouble when I started getting suspicious of random people I'd see on the street. It was really getting into my head.  

Once I realized how twisted my thinking was becoming, it was an awakening. As my old friends Abraham-Hicks remind us:

Clarity! That is the biggest prize you are looking for.

To feel clear and sure and stable—that is really what you desire.

I knew that I had put myself in that mindset, which meant I could get myself out of it, too. What a relief. I knew that even though the meaning of a binge is usually more negative, the definition includes the word indulgence. To indulge means to "allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of". What wonderful news! I can continue to binge, only now I'm going to look for things in which I can indulge. Some synonyms for indulge are: delight, nourish, take care of, and pamper. I love the sound of those words, and I am on a mission. I went to a play over the weekend, "Hamlet" at the Gamm Theatre, and the production was a delight. I'm getting a manicure next week, and I'm looking at scheduling a massage so I can pamper myself. I'm meeting with a doctor this week who practices functional medicine, who's going to help me get straight with my food so I can actually nourish myself. Finally, I'm looking for a therapist so I can take care of myself.

I intend to keep bingeing ... on things that support me.

Sending Sparkles and Love Your Way!